"Don't feel bad about this. Part of the journey is the end" - Tony Stark, aka Iron Man

The End 

OK, BIG SIGH!!

On Dec 6th, I had East Valley Equine (Dr. Cooper) come and do an ultrasound on Fiona's hind legs (specifically her branch suspensory ligaments) because she had been lame off and on for several weeks. The ultrasound very clearly indicated that she had something called DSLD (Degenerative Suspensory Ligament Desmitis). Despite the name, this is a systemic condition, where all of the horse' connective tissue is more likely to tear and not heal properly (that description is in major layman's terms).

Here are the ultrasound images:

This wasn't marked, but I think its the right outside suspensory, the "C" marking is a tear.
The larger circle is a VERY enlarged ligament

This is also right outside, I think it's the same tear from a different angle.
The white at the top is scaring

Right inside Looked pretty good. 

Right inside small lesion

Left outside was about half the overall size of the right outside (which was the worst).

Left outside looked pretty good

Left side, small tears/lesions

You can clearly see darker spots (the full black are blood vessels or arterties) where the tears are present and they have not healed properly. Right outer hind was the worst, but the lameness looked like it was on the left hind until the exam and then it was clear that the right side was worse. So perhaps she was left-side lame from compensating?

Anyway, the short term plan was daily anti-inflammatory medication and no more riding. :(

As I consulted the horse experts in my life and did research on DSLD, it became clear that FOR ME/Fiona, the right answer was to euthanize her. The appointment is scheduled for first week of January.

Why and Why Now?

Now some people might ask, why not keep her as a pasture pet? She isn't in any immediate pain.

The truth is, we don't know that she isn't in pain. Just because she appears sound does not mean she isn't in pain. The disease is systemic, it's very possible that she has tears in other parts of her body, which are asymptomatic and painful! Also she is at higher risk for major tears (like ligaments detaching from bone).

My promise to this horse was that she would NEVER suffer at the hands of humans again and euthanasia will ensure that she won't. Perhaps if she'd had some charmed horsey life, then I would feel differently about her suffering a little at the end of her life but she's been through enough!

I've been around a lot of horses over my 9 years boarding at a large facility and I have seen all-manner of "well intended suffering" on the part of the horse. While, as humans, we attach very strong emotions to death and dying both ours and our pets, horses do not work that way. Stress for horses usually centers around not feeling safe, because they can't get to their herd mate(s) or foal.

Finally, I read something while researching DSLD which really hit home for me "1 month early is better than 1 day too late". THAT for me made all the difference. I will NOT put this horse through something painful because I was a selfish dipshit.

How am I doing?

I am really sad of course! I've cried more in the last month than I care to talk about. It feels like such a robbery of what was supposed to be our best time together. We were finally ready for the trail riding season this year and I felt like we could have accepted any invite we got on the spot, no caveats. It's a real shame to have to give that up. 

This does help me understand why she ended up as a rescue horse. I suspect that her dam got diagnosed with DSLD shortly after foaling and Fiona becoming a rescue horse was probably the "roadkill" caused by the combination of a dam with a terrible disease and a shithead of an owner. I always wished I knew who her original owner was, only because I wanted her registration information and bloodline data. However, now I am glad I don't know, because every piece of information I've gotten about her situation makes me so angry and bitter that I am not sure I would act responsibly if I knew who he (I do know it was a man) was and could track him down. 

On the bright side, and oh yes I looked DAMN hard to find a bright side to this situation, euthanizing a horse is quick and painless. They are completely knocked out before they even hit the ground (yes they fall down). It will be very painful for me, but that's OK. I am ready.  Also, I will own other horses and they will benefit infinitely from what I've learned from Fiona. She is the best teacher I ever could have asked for and I am not just talking about horsemanship. I am stronger, braver and more kind because of that horse and that's just the tip of the personal growth iceberg.

Another positive thing about the situation is that we HAVE TIME. I am using my time off during the holiday break to shower her with all the love, affection, grain, carrots and apples one horse could ever handle. I just think about all the horse owners who came to the barn one day and had to euthanize their horse or found they died over night (it's rare but it happens). Thank GOD, for giving us time.

I have also done a LOT of reading in the last few years on topics that people generally shy away from. Things like war, gulags, stoicism (specifically, ways to deal with majorly chaotic life events) and I didn't understand WHY I was so intrigued with these topics until now.

The lesson for me is this...

Tragic events can seem like they have no meaning and are just cruel to the person they are happening to, but that perspective is a choice. I am choosing instead to give this terrible, terrible news meaning by using it as a reminder to not waste time. Whatever you want to do with your life, do it NOW. Don't start tomorrow, don't wait for the perfect time. Do it NOW, NOW, NOW because regret is the worst emotion to experience. It's far worse than failure. I am also choosing to focus on the good things in life. There's always a bright side, always. You just have to find it and sometimes it's tough to find.

I will go on and have another horse eventually. I have some other items on the agenda before then, like getting my own trailer and probably my own horse property before I get any more horses. 

Run free and fast baby girl!! God is going to have his hands full. 

Best Mare On Earth, Hands Down

Fiona being anxious in the arena

Here's a quick video of my thoughts on some anxious behavior Fiona is exhibiting.

A Shift in Thinking

Some of you might remember that a running theme in this blog and in my training with Fiona has been the Scary White Tarp Thingie.  Well in a shocking turn of events, even to me. I threw it out this week.

I had been thinking for months that I would get it out, and Fiona and I would finally ride through it and THEN I would throw it away for good.  Well I skipped the riding through it part, not because I was scared of it..but because I wasn't. I knew we could do it, without any doubt, it was no longer a challenge. However, that's not the REAL reason why I got rid of it. The real reason is much more important.

First some background: There's been a very looooong phase of my life with Fiona that has been exclusively dedicated to sacking out. This was a necessary phase! I was green, she was green, we had plenty of black and blue (ala, green on green means black and blue). So it was critical that we go through the following steps OVER and OVER:

1) Horse gets scared
2) Owner gets scared
3) Owner calms down
4) Owner gives better direction to the horse
5) Horse calms down

In order to trigger this set of events, we had to find a LOT of things that Fiona reacted to in a negative way. However, I think we've reached a point where we need to move on. I will never be able to 100% guarantee  that Fiona won't react to things out in the world. I mean the odds are pretty good she is going to freak over a lot of stuff, but she's learned to look to me and follow my lead when that happens. That's the best I can ask for, so it's time to do something new.

 I need to focus on putting her to work and I need to continue to improve my riding abilities. So, the scary white tarp has gone to the big dumpster in the sky, and we are working on 2 new directions going forward. Classical dressage training and horseback archery, yes seriously.

Since archery takes about a $1000 investment to get started, between bow, arrows, targets , etc. we are more focused on dressage at the moment. I love dressage more than I ever though I would. I am an engineer and it is pretty much all geometry, so why I am surprised that I love it..I am not sure.

Essays have been written on dressage, but here are the basics. The horse and rider ride patterns on a court that is typically 60 meters by 20 meters. The court has letter markers to help the rider guide the horse through the pattern in various gaits. In competition, the horse and rider are judged on, things like collection, impulsion and how calm and relaxed the horse is during all the movements.   I promise it is much more exciting than it sounds and I love it!

Here's an overhead view of a typical court:











I am going to start work on my first tests in earnest this summer. The hope is that we could compete in the fall of 2016, but we'll see. No pressure.

Now, on to the other HUGE news from earlier this year! We trailed out and rode away from the stable property!!! It was amazing. My trainer set up a scenario that was super safe for both of us. It was a small riding practice at a friends house, which is completely fenced, so no run away horse mess like the last time.

Fiona was a complete and total rockstar. She hopped in the trailer in under a minute, she rode quietly. She walked all around the property and never even really spooked at anything. She wasn't crazy about the goats moving around on the other side of a fence, but she didn't do anything even close to crazy. Here we are during our walk around the property.

Then we went away from the other horses to tack up and she didn't like that AT ALL. I took it in stride though, the beauty of all of those hours of groundwork was I KNEW why she was upset and I knew the minute we got back to the other horses, she would settle right down..and she did. 

Here we are riding around

It was absolutely amazing. Total. Rockstar! I was VERY worried about getting her back home. My nightmare of all nightmares is to get stuck somewhere with her because she won't load in the trailer. At least this was a place she could stay overnight safely if it didn't workout, but I'll be damned if she didn't get right in the trailer. She gave one token show of resistance by pulling her head back against the lead rope, then jumped right in. She never even stepped backwards or to the side. 

I can't wait to see what else we can accomplish this year. I am very excited about it. 

The Positive Training Plateau

Fiona and I have pretty much been holding steady on a our training. We've been doing mostly walk/trot work with some cantering where we can get away with it. When I say get away with it, because Fiona is having issues with bucking and kicking out when asked to canter. She never had this problem before at the beginning of her training, or if she did, it was fleeting. Perhaps she would do it once in a lesson and with one swift "get your butt moving", either with a bump to the sides of a crack on the hind end with a rope, she would give up on the idea.

Now a few things have changed, I am heavier now, almost back to my highest weight again, but trying to fight my way back down. We have been riding in a training martingale. Other than those 2 things, everything else is the same. It has been our longest, uninterrupted period of JUST riding. We've done very little desensitizing work and almost no ground work except for warm-ups, but most of the time I just saddle and get right on.

We even thought for a while that something might be physically wrong with her, but after several vet checks and a hiatus from riding at a trot or canter, she seems to be fine. Even lunging she doesn't seem quite as sore/hesitant.

So it is a little disappointing to go to the point where I can reliably tack up and mount without issue, and then get stuck where we can't canter together.

I am investigating some ways to resolve the issue, by going back to some riding fundamentals that I think we rushed through on our way to start canter work. I read Centered Riding, by Sally Swift and got taken to SCHOOL! Wow there's so much I don't know about riding properly.

So while the plateau is very frustrating, I think it will ultimately lead to better riding for us in the long run. Here's to hoping.....

"You can't do that...", No YOU can't do it.....I am already halfway done!

One thing I know about myself is that nothing pisses me off faster than someone telling me that I can't do something, especially when it comes to my horse. I am a pretty chill person most of the time (unless I have had too much coffee) so when someone tells me I can't do something, my outside voice says "Yeah, you are probably right." or "Maybe". Meanwhile, my inside voice says "What do you mean I can't do that?!?!?!?. Just because YOU can't do it, doesn't mean I can't do it. So, go ahead regale me with your tails of things I can't do, because I have an open slot for you my 'I told you I could, so shut the f**k up' list."

Needless to say, I get a little touchy about it. Now, I am not high on drugs. I don't think that as a 5'0" woman that I am going to be able to dunk a basketball on a regulation hoop or that I can survive a fall of a high rise. Everyone has very real limitations in life, but my goal is to overcome the limitations that are only in my head.  If this journey with Fiona has taught me anything, it is that many of the things I thought I could never do with her, were all in my head. I mean I wasn't even sure I could ride this horse and now I goal for the year is to go on a trail ride! It's crazy.

Despite the VERY long delay between this post any my last, not much has really changed, but it seems like so much has. Bad news, I have gained back pretty much all the weight I had lost and I am desperately trying to turn into that skid. Good news, Fiona will get in a trailer now!!! She still has some concerns, but she will get in!Also, we re-entered the park of evil!! We rode out there on the end of a lunge line and we are working our way closer to traffic this week in our lesson. Prayers everyone!! Here's some video:

Pretty cool huh? You'd never know she was ever nervous out there. Trails here we come!!!!

REPOST: Progress in the Park

Updated 7/15: I fixed the video link at the bottom. Everyone should be able to view it now.

Hello ALL!! First, let me get you caught up. For the last 3 months, since drill team ended, we've been forced to work on groundwork because Fiona had an allergic reaction to fly spray and she got some weird rash on her skin. It got really wrinkled at first, then the hair fell out..ugh what a mess. It was VERY itchy. The poor girl, I tried to wash it with a bristle brush and she looked at me with an amount of indignation which I have never experienced, even from another human, much less a horse.

The rash is clearing now, so no long term damage was done. We are going BACK to natural fly spray.

The good news out of all this, is that our groundwork has consisted of some really amazing outings to the park across the street from the barn. For those of you that do not know the history, I came off of Fiona in this park over a year ago while riding off property or the first time. It nearly killed us both...literally. See....
Another bad First for details.

But going out with Fiona on the ground has been nothing short of amazing. It took at least a month for her to even consider calming down outside the barn walls. She was convinced that I had lost my mind and gotten us both lost somehow. Even worse, I continued to do it week after week. It is important to mention that every night before our park outings I would work her hard. This will come up again later.

Her main issue was right as we would get into the park, she would start to circle me in an attempt to herd me back to the barn/horses. Instead of stopping to get her attention at that point, we would just keep walking away from the barn. She would continue to get anxious and we would just keep lunging her until she would get calmer, but she never REALLY settled down.

Finally, after watching a youtube video about how to get a horse to go closer to something they are afraid of while riding, it clicked. I needed to deal with that behavior before we did ANYTHING else in the park. So one day, I took a long whip out with us and as soon as she circled back to the barn, I started smacking the ground and getting after her. As she went away from the barn, I left her alone. Toward the barn, BAD. Away from the barn, GOOD. I am starting to think this is why Tonto was so good with horses. He kept the conversation simple.

Finally after a severe 20 mins argument on this matter, Fiona got it. She began to stand next to me, on the side away from the barn. From there, it was like the dam burst. She walked out of the park, away from the barn to the desert across the street. She walked by my side the entire way.

The game was on!!! Now it was time to start pushing her. The next week, we walked through a neighborhood for the first time. She was amazing. She walked right by my side, looking at everything! The trash cans were definitely shifty, but she dealt with it. The car under the waving car cover was definitely not cool, but she eventually got over that too. Even the giant trash truck, driven by  a human being who clearly thought myself and my trainer were out of our minds, wasn't a big issue. We had to wave the driver by because he was afraid to scare the horse!! now there's a switch!!!

We've practiced crossing the road a few times, which is where we got ourselves in a wreck riding. She was amazing, scared, but amazing. She just puts on her brave boots and marches on.

This is the first time in a long time, maybe ever, that I think this horse might really be able to make a full leap into something that will blow everyone away. I don't know what it will be yet, but I am convinced that she will continue to surprise us!!

Here are some pictures/video of our adventures:

Remember, this is a $550 rescue horse folks.....

 

 

This guy likes to walk his pitbull during our lesson

Apparently, this day it wasn't amusing anymore.

 

 This is where we started.

 

Fiona Chillin' in the park
This is where we are now.

Happy trails!!!!

Success!!!!!!!

After 3+ years of hard work, Fiona and I finally got to compete in the Red Mountain Stables Games AND perform with the Chili Peppers Drill team!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to say, in the days leading up to the big day, I was really ok with the whole thing going to crap. The progress we've made in the last 3-4 months was satisfying enough. We have been riding in the big arena several times a month now (before I was lucky to pull that off a total of 3-4 times EVER). We've ridden with other horses a ton...which we never did much at all before. So, if we got to the day of the games and performance and I got hit by a big tractor trailer truck, I would have died a happy woman.

However, I am SUPER stoked that we did both the games AND the drill team performance. I seriously considered not doing games. I consistently have a "set the bar low" mentality when it comes to working with Fiona. I am SO used to things going wrong that I try to set my expectation accordingly. Instead of going with my standard ho-hum thinking, I pushed through and saddled up around 9am for games. Fiona was nervous, but only a little. She wouldn't stand at all when we started, but she walked instead of bolting like a complete nutjob. So I just let her walk, but kept changing directions. We did some circles and figure-8s until she could stand still.

The games were pretty simple. We had some reservations about going over and between poles on the ground and by "we" I mean Fiona. I just let her look and took things slowly. She never freaked out or bolted.  She did try to evade some things, but I just kept her pointed the right way and let her get over her concerns. We even took second place in the snail race (slowest time wins)..I know that's for the kids, but I am counting it.

We did skip the canter this time, but my goal for next games is to be competitive. It kills me to skip the cantering. I know if we could do it, Fiona would LOVE it. The horse loves to run!!! She'd probably surprise some folks at the stable. She is really fast and she turns on a dime. She would make a killer cutting horse.

Anyway, I digress. Here are some pictures of the games:

 

 

The Drill team performance was AWESOME!!!! It was the best performance the team had done to that point. Fiona only had one issue and that was when she HATED the horse next to her during our pinwheel. She kept pinning her ears, but she stayed in line for the most part. I was super proud of both of us!!!! Here are some pictures of the drill team performance:

 

 

 

I can honestly say, I am having fun doing this!!  I mean I have loved watching Fiona change and get braver in the world, but my experience with the drill team has been TRULY FUN! One of the best things to come out of it is I can finally just show up and ride..without any drama. Saddling her is easier, she likes to go ride and I don't have to warm her up for 15 minutes before we go to work. It's is outstanding! I look forward to lots of relaxing rides after work! :)