Rescuing Fiona: "Don't feel bad about this. Part of the journey is the end"

The End

OK, BIG SIGH!!

On Dec 6th, I had East Valley Equine (Dr. Cooper) come and do an ultrasound on Fiona's hind legs (specifically her branch suspensory ligaments) because she had been lame off and on for several weeks. The ultrasound very clearly indicated that she had something called DSLD (Degenerative Suspensory Ligament Desmitis). Despite the name, this is a systemic condition, where all of the horse' connective tissue is more likely to tear and not heal properly (that description is in major layman's terms).

Here are the ultrasound images:

This wasn't marked, but I think its the right outside suspensory, the "C" marking is a tear.
The larger circle is a VERY enlarged ligament

This is also right outside, I think it's the same tear from a different angle.
The white at the top is scaring

Right inside Looked pretty good.

Right inside small lesion

Left outside was about half the overall size of the right outside (which was the worst).

Left outside looked pretty good

Left side, small tears/lesions

You can clearly see darker spots (the full black are blood vessels or arterties) where the tears are present and they have not healed properly. Right outer hind was the worst, but the lameness looked like it was on the left hind until the exam and then it was clear that the right side was worse. So perhaps she was left-side lame from compensating?

Anyway, the short term plan was daily anti-inflammatory medication and no more riding. :(

As I consulted the horse experts in my life and did research on DSLD, it became clear that FOR ME/Fiona, the right answer was to euthanize her. The appointment is scheduled for first week of January.

Why and Why Now?

Now some people might ask, why not keep her as a pasture pet? She isn't in any immediate pain.

The truth is, we don't know that she isn't in pain. Just because she appears sound does not mean she isn't in pain. The disease is systemic, it's very possible that she has tears in other parts of her body, which are asymptomatic and painful! Also she is at higher risk for major tears (like ligaments detaching from bone).

My promise to this horse was that she would NEVER suffer at the hands of humans again and euthanasia will ensure that she won't. Perhaps if she'd had some charmed horsey life, then I would feel differently about her suffering a little at the end of her life but she's been through enough!

I've been around a lot of horses over my 9 years boarding at a large facility and I have seen all-manner of "well intended suffering" on the part of the horse. While, as humans, we attach very strong emotions to death and dying both ours and our pets, horses do not work that way. Stress for horses usually centers around not feeling safe, because they can't get to their herd mate(s) or foal.

Finally, I read something while researching DSLD which really hit home for me "1 month early is better than 1 day too late". THAT for me made all the difference. I will NOT put this horse through something painful because I was a selfish dipshit.

How am I doing?

I am really sad of course! I've cried more in the last month than I care to talk about. It feels like such a robbery of what was supposed to be our best time together. We were finally ready for the trail riding season this year and I felt like we could have accepted any invite we got on the spot, no caveats. It's a real shame to have to give that up.

This does help me understand why she ended up as a rescue horse. I suspect that her dam got diagnosed with DSLD shortly after foaling and Fiona becoming a rescue horse was probably the "roadkill" caused by the combination of a dam with a terrible disease and a shithead of an owner. I always wished I knew who her original owner was, only because I wanted her registration information and bloodline data. However, now I am glad I don't know, because every piece of information I've gotten about her situation makes me so angry and bitter that I am not sure I would act responsibly if I knew who he (I do know it was a man) was and could track him down.

On the bright side, and oh yes I looked DAMN hard to find a bright side to this situation, euthanizing a horse is quick and painless. They are completely knocked out before they even hit the ground (yes they fall down). It will be very painful for me, but that's OK. I am ready. Also, I will own other horses and they will benefit infinitely from what I've learned from Fiona. She is the best teacher I ever could have asked for and I am not just talking about horsemanship. I am stronger, braver and more kind because of that horse and that's just the tip of the personal growth iceberg.

Another positive thing about the situation is that we HAVE TIME. I am using my time off during the holiday break to shower her with all the love, affection, grain, carrots and apples one horse could ever handle. I just think about all the horse owners who came to the barn one day and had to euthanize their horse or found they died over night (it's rare but it happens). Thank GOD, for giving us time.

I have also done a LOT of reading in the last few years on topics that people generally shy away from. Things like war, gulags, stoicism (specifically, ways to deal with majorly chaotic life events) and I didn't understand WHY I was so intrigued with these topics until now.

The lesson for me is this...

Tragic events can seem like they have no meaning and are just cruel to the person they are happening to, but that perspective is a choice. I am choosing instead to give this terrible, terrible news meaning by using it as a reminder to not waste time. Whatever you want to do with your life, do it NOW. Don't start tomorrow, don't wait for the perfect time. Do it NOW, NOW, NOW because regret is the worst emotion to experience. It's far worse than failure. I am also choosing to focus on the good things in life. There's always a bright side, always. You just have to find it and sometimes it's tough to find.

I will go on and have another horse eventually. I have some other items on the agenda before then, like getting my own trailer and probably my own horse property before I get any more horses.

Run free and fast baby girl!! God is going to have his hands full.